Urahara's New Look
by Aquamarine Shadows
Summary: Something's gone terribly wrong at the Urahara Shouten. Kisuke says he feels like P Diddy? What happened to him? Ichigo thinks it's a mid-life crisis, but Sapphire thinks he's drunk. Which is it? Urahara two-shot
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach.

xXxXx

"Kisuke, what in God's name are you DOING?" Sapphire observed her blonde friend as he walked into the room wearing a grey t-shirt with a black long-sleeved shirt underneath, baggy shorts, and an oversized chain necklace with a diamond studded K dangling from the end. "Are you feeling ok?! Did you hit your head?! Where on EARTH is your hat?" She pulled the sideways baseball cap off his head to inspect for any bumps or bruises. The fact that he was able to depart with his striped bucket hat was beyond her comprehension, but as usual, his eyes were barely visible behind his long, blonde hair.

Urahara took the hat back and fixed it to its original position. "Chill-ax, Sapphire! Just woke up feelin' like P Diddy," he said cheerfully.

Sapphire's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Say that again?"

"I woke up feelin' like P Diddy." She snickered as the shopkeeper proceeded to ramble off slang words and phrases that he probably had no idea what they meant. "I mean, that guy Kurosaki was all up in my shiz an' I took him down forizzle!" He made sure to enunciate every syllable correctly, thinking it made him sound cool.

Sapphire sighed and smiled a little. "Do you have any idea what you just said, Kisuke?"

"'Course I do, yo! It's great, ain't it? Just like Kee-dollar-sha says," he said with a grin.

"WHO?"

"Kee-dollar-sha! You know, _'Tick tock on the clock, but the party don't stop, no, oh, oh, oh, oh'!"_ he sang off key.

"Kesha, Kisuke. Her name is Kesha."

"Whatever, man. Don't be bringin' me down." Sapphire looked around to find some clue as to what she should do about Kisuke's "transformation." She grabbed Ururu by the arm and pulled her aside.

"What happened to him?" she whispered harshly. Ururu peeked around the tall brunette to see her boss in his new look.

"I think he's been brainwashed, Miss Sapphire," she said.

"Do ya like my new look, Ururu? I'm gangster!"

"It's 'gangsta', sir," the small girl said before bidding them adieu and going back to her chores.

Sapphire mused to herself for a few moments. I guess there's only one thing to do, she thought. Take him to Kurosaki Ichigo.

She grabbed Urahara by the wrist and dragged him, literally, out of the shop and down the street. "Where we goin'?"

"Kurosaki's. As much as I hate to ask that idiot-"

"Foshizzle my nizzle!" he interrupted.

"Yes, Kisuke, now shut up. I was saying, I hate to ask him for help, but we need to change you back."

-

The Kurosaki household stood tall in the peaceful neighborhood with a garden brightening up the front door. The two found Ichigo around back digging a rather large hole in the ground. Sapphire dropped the shopkeeper and zeroed in on the unsuspecting Kurosaki.

She give him a good whack on top of the head and said, "There's something wrong with Kisuke. He's very, well..." She pointed to the spot on the ground where she left him, but Kisuke had moved and was attempting to climb a flimsy lattice on the side of the house.

"I'm gonna break in, yo! Just wait till these suckers see what I can do," he said to himself.

Ichigo burst into laughter. He was barely able to speak, let alone breathe.

"He's- hahaha- a complete- hahahaha- moron!" he forced out, rolling on the ground.

Sapphire stopped the strawberry in his place by stomping on his chest. "What's going on? He doesn't even realize what half the stuff he says means!"

"What did he say?" he straightened himself up.

"First of all, he 'woke up feeling like P Diddy.' Second off, he's talking like he thinks he's from the ghetto," she said with a worried look on her face. The lattice made a rattling sound, and The two whipped their heads around to see Kisuke back on the ground, saying something about the "douche bag lattice gettin' up in his grill." He then proceeded to sing Patron Tequila while swinging his hips to and fro like he was twirling a hula-hoop.

_"I'm on Patron tequila, I'm drunk on margarita! That Patron tequila, me and my mamacita!"_ he sang.

"Maybe he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis?" Ichigo whispered.

"Or he's drunk. Really, really drunk."

Sapphire thanked Ichigo and dragged Urahara back to the shop. He went on singing numerous bits and pieces of various songs. She winced at the sound of the dying cat -err, Kisuke's voice. Oh well, she thought. If he doesn't shut up, I'll just lock him in the closet.

xXxXx

First Urahara fic. I made it as a giftfic for UraharaSteph on quizilla. I'd originally planned it as an Aizen/Gin oneshot, but I think this fit better for the time being. =) There's going to be one more chapter, then it's done.

Happy reading,

~Kai


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach. I may own some merchandise, but not the franchise.

Now, on to the other side of the story.

xXxXx

_The day before Sapphire's discovery of the "new" Kisuke_

Kisuke yelped and dropped the large package he had been trying to carry into the storage room. He rubbed his back where he had pulled a muscle. The package wasn't heavy, so he couldn't understand why he had hurt himself so easily. He tried to make his way to the kitchen, but a sharp pain in his left foot prevented him from going anywhere. _What's happening to me?_ he thought. The answer laid in four words:

"You're getting old, Urahara," Ichigo said from the open front door.

Kisuke turned and looked at his reflection in the window. The dark circles around his eyes, the wrinkles on his face-he wasn't exactly a spring chicken. "I guess I am," he agreed.

"I can help you with that, old man," Ichigo said with a dangerous flash in his eyes. "First of all, the hat needs to go." He plucked the hat from the shopkeeper's head. Kisuke tried to take it back, but the pain in his back wouldn't let him. Ichigo took Urahara by the collar and dragged him away, never to come back the same again.

_A few hours later_

Ichigo spun Urahara around in his swivel chair to let him see himself in the mirror. He couldn't believe his eyes. The man in the mirror before him wasn't Urahara Kisuke but something to the extent of the white version of Flavor Flav. The only thing missing was a giant clock hanging from his neck.

"What did you DO to me?" he panicked.

"Don't worry about it," Ichigo said sadistically. "You just need some 'reworking.' Now, listen very carefully to the songs I'm about to play. You're going to learn to like them, even if it kills you."

The orange-haired boy turned on his stereo and put in a mixed CD. Urahara cringed at the first lyrics he heard. _"I wake up in the mornin' feeling like P. Diddy..." '__Why is he torturing me like this?'_ he thought. First he stole his favorite hat, then he made him look like a rapper, and now he was torturing him with pop music? Kisuke was sure that Ichigo had it in for him.

After a few hours of listening to pop artists such as Ke$ha, Rihanna, and Lady GaGa, Kisuke started to adapt to the genre of music. After all, some of the songs were kind of catchy, and they did have an upbeat sound. He started to catch on to the general customs of pop culture, even if they did seem a little out of character for him. Even his opinions on his traditional dress were starting to change. Everything about pop culture became appealing to him. Eventually, Ichigo had completely reformed his mindset.

Of course, Kisuke grew up without the influence the younger generations had access to. No matter how much he learned or changed, he wouldn't completely change his old ways. In the end, he wasn't completely able to adapt to the slang or the attitude that Ichigo brainwashed him into.

When Ichigo was finished with his transformation of Urahara, he took the striped bucket hat and started digging a hole in the backyard to put the old hat to rest. He couldn't help but laugh at what he had done. Urahara was happy, so he thought it was perfectly fine if he made a fool of himself. Aside from that, he couldn't wait to see the look on Sapphire's face when she saw the new Urahara.

xXxXx

Thanks for all the reviews! (And for the record, I actually enjoy pop music. I only thought it might be torturous for Urahara)

~Kai


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